Hey there. It’s been a long time. I’ve had a ton of shit going on. I’ll have to save most of it for another time, but let me just say that the gist of this school year has been… Life is short.

We’ve had a lot of death this year.

First, my father-in-law passed in October. My then 9-year-old daughter Lulu got to say goodbye to him on his last day. She was the only one out of 10 grandchildren who wanted to see her dying grandfather. I know people have different opinions about kids and death. She wanted to see him — and letting her make that decision felt like the right thing to do. Lulu was happy she got to see him one last time and literally said, “Goodbye Granddad.” He died hours later.

He lived a full, long life, and died at 85. His death was somewhat expected.

In December, one of my oldest, closest friends died by suicide. He was Lulu’s godfather. He was like a dad to Z when she was young. My kids called him Uncle Jackson. Maybe I’ll tell you more about him another time. Let’s just say he was one of my people. One of my very few people. Someone who knew me because I had let him into my life when I was young. Someone I trusted and could count on more than my own flesh and blood. He was literally there for me when no one else was. Jackson taught me to see the good in people, not because he had an optimistic outlook on life, but because I found so much good in him. Don’t get me wrong, he could be a huge pain in my ass at times and we had completely opposite views on many things, but I loved him so deeply that those things never mattered.  He would have turned 48 last week. We had been friends since I was 14-years-old. (I’m 41 now.) He was my brother’s best friend for decades, long before they worked together as police officers. His death has been really hard. {Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255}

Suicide sucks. 

Today my Aunt Jane passed. She hadn’t been doing well in the past few weeks, but her death is still a hard one to swallow. Aunt Jane was a big fan of this blog and someone who would lift me up when it felt like everyone else was putting me down. I didn’t see her as much as an adult, but I have fond childhood memories of her and her family coming to stay with us in Manhattan every Thanksgiving, when we would walk down the street to watch the Macy’s Day Parade. In turn, we would go visit her family in West Virginia every year for Christmas. Jane was 66 years old. She retired a few years ago, after 38 years as a public school teacher, and has been patiently waiting for my uncle to retire from ministry ever since. He retires at the end of this month.

Regret is a bitch.

I had been really lucky up to this point. I’ve never lost anyone close to me. Grandparents as they got old, but heck, I still have one grandma alive! I even grew up with one of my great-grandmothers.  Jackson is the closest person I have ever lost. To think that it could have been prevented is heartbreaking. I don’t blame anyone, but I would love to go back in time and try to steer him down a different path. In my heart, I think he regretted it the second it happened.

It was a terrible decision that can never be taken back.

I am always straight with my kids, so at 8, 9, and 15, I told them Jackson died by suicide. Not the how or even the why, because God knows I don’t have the answer to that, but that suicide is a type of death. This was new information for the younger two, but it wasn’t Z’s first experience with suicide.  Unfortunately it won’t be any of their last.  {Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255} Almost exactly two years ago we lost Al, a family friend and Z’s lacrosse coach. He died exactly the same way we lost Jackson. Al has three daughters who miss him dearly. It was Al’s birthday the day Jackson died. 

It’ not just a teenager problem.

I brought my daughters to Jackson’s open casket viewing, which makes me sound like a crazy person… and a terrible parent. They fared better than me, as I was the one who lost her shit. The funeral was even worse. My girls clung to me. They wanted more than anything to make things better for me. As they held onto me — held me up — I could feel them willing their peace to reach me. I could feel their love and calm transferring into me and I love them for that. I am so proud of the young women they are.

Suicide is the ultimate regret.

I tell you this to remind you that life is short. (And apparently to make myself sob uncontrollably.) We don’t know how long we have on this earth. No matter how healthy we are, we never know which day will be our last. Will we ever make it to those far off plans? Or are we stuck in a shitty situation and it seems like there is no way out?  I don’t know, and neither do you, but there is always a better option than to end your life. {Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255} And for the rest of us, there are better ways to love our lives. It’s impossible to say “No regrets,” because we’ve all done something we wish we could have done differently, but I’m more focused on the big picture — That there are no guarantees. It’s made me stop worrying about the little things. Like the fact that I still haven’t build my kitchen island. I no longer really care about making my house better and DIY projects have taken the back burner. I feel like I have bigger fish to fry.

You only get this one life.

I’m also telling you this because it feels good to write it down and send it out into the universe. I miss writing on my blog. I don’t even care that you think this is weird and not at all DIY related. I’m okay with that. I have many shortcomings, but one thing I’m a rock star at is resilience. I am well aware that many people in the world have had a much harder life than me, but I also know that my hardships could have broken a less resilient person. I have felt pretty broken at times. But I pull myself up and move on. I also try to remind myself that it is the hard times that have made me who I am.

It’s how you deal with your shit that matters.

So I am choosing to live my life as big as I can. Right now. Not in 5 years, not when the kids are grown. Not when I finish the hardwood floor in my bedroom or when I have more money. Now. I’ve decided that there’s nothing I’d rather do than spend time with my kids and show them the big wide world out there.  I took the kids on a 3 week road trip from New Jersey to the Florida Keys last summer and it was epic. So we’re adding even more adventure and family togetherness — and going even bigger this summer. The kids and I are going to be living big every day, making memories that will last them forever.

22 states. 14 National Parks. 6 weeks. 3 kids. 1 tent. And a whole lot of memories.

Life is short. Nothing says “I’m alive” like a crazy road trip. Right? I worry a little that it feels like running away. But I don’t worry for long, because it’s what I want to do. 

One of these days I will break the trip down for you in a much less depressing post…